The DA of One Hogan Place
by Latara K
Summary: Weird post-Aftershock story. Very unserious. Wizard of Oz parody elements: COMPLETE!
1. Our Story Begins

Author's Note: This takes place in the hours after "Aftershock", of course. It's not going to end the same way. Be warned, I am not exactly sane, and the people who helped me come up with some of the ideas are even less sane. Usually I would end the Author's Note with a little idea of where I got the story idea from, but for this.. . Well, I truly do not know where the heck it came from.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not hate Abbie Carmichael. I do not even dislike her. I like her a lot actually. But, I decided that she would have to be the one made fun of here ^.^ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Claire woke up. Well, it sure seemed like she woke up, but now she wasn't so sure. Everything was so bright and colorful, and it was hurting her eyes. She looked around and saw a little dog lying down next to her. She also saw her old Honda on top of some woman with striped tights. "What the hell?" she said to herself. The little dog next to her barked in response. "I guess we're not in Kansas anymore, huh? At least I don't have to wear the little blue outfit, and so far there has been no singing."  
  
Suddenly, Serena Southerlyn flew down in a pink dress. "Hello, I am the good witch of the north. Technically, I don't come on this show until 5 years from now, but no one else would wear this dress," she paused and smiled a huge, very fake smile. "Anyway, now that you killed the evil witch of the east, you need these slippers." She pointed her wand at Claire's feet, and red slippers appeared there.  
  
"Umm, do you possibly have another color? Red doesn't really go with the outfit," Claire said, looking down at the shoes. They were very bright red. It was awfully irritating.  
  
"Back to the point. you've saved the ferrets!" Serena started, as the ferrets began singing "Ding-dong the Witch is Dead", in a very nice baritone.  
  
"Wait, ferrets? I thought they were supposed to be munchkins," Claire said. "Besides, can't I just click my heels now because I already know that I am going to find the wizard but he won't help, then I will find out that I had the power to return home all along?"  
  
"No, because then you will get blinked into oblivion. You are in a coma, Claire! Sheesh, haven't you been listening? You got in a car crash!" Serena said, pointing at the Honda.  
  
Claire looked shocked. "But, but, but how will I come back? I want to go back home!" "Toto" barked.  
  
Then, the ferrets started singing, "Follow the Purple Planked Path", instead, of course, of the yellow brick road, which Claire was quick to point out.  
  
"Just GO! You must see the DA of Hogan Place!" Serena said, very irritated. Then, as Serena stood with her hands on her hips tapping her shoe, a poof of smoke came and Abbie Carmichael emerged. "Gasps!" Serena exclaimed.  
  
"Um, I think you were supposed to gasp, not say gasp," Claire whispered to her.  
  
"But, it says, 'Serena: gasps' right in the script!" Serena protested.  
  
"No, no, you see, it says, 'Serena gasps', not 'Serena' colon 'gasps'," Claire pointed out.  
  
Abbie cleared her throat. She did not like being ignored. "I am the wicked witch of the west!" she cackled. "I've come to steal Jack from you! If you come back to consciousness, I'll have absolutely no chance with Jack! If it weren't for you, Jack would have slept with me in a heartbeat! Therefore, I must prevent you from reaching the DA's office again."  
  
"But, I love him! He would never go with you anyway, he's mine!" Claire said.  
  
"I steal him yet! Besides, those are nice shoes," Abbie said, disappearing is a puff of smoke.  
  
"Wait a minute, you forgot 'I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too!' You didn't finish!" Claire exclaimed. When she realized that Abbie had disappeared, she gave up and started walking on the purple path or whatever the hell those ferrets had called it. She was walking along when she saw a fork in the road. "Shit, where do I go now?"  
  
"Right over here," a voice said. Claire thought she recognized the voice, but of course, it wasn't possible that he would be here. She looked up from the road and saw Mike Logan.  
  
"Detective Logan, why the hell are you wearing that ridiculous costume?" Claire said, irritated.  
  
"I don't know, it's your coma," Logan said, bitterly. "Now, I think we should go that way."  
  
"Excuse me? We? Who said you were coming along?" Claire said.  
  
"Hey, you are the one who is so adamant about sticking to the original story. You can't just kick the scarecrow out of the story, now can you?" Logan grinned. Claire grumbled bitterly. They continued on the purple planked path until they came to a forest.  
  
"Look, the apples!" Claire said. She was about to walk over to them when one of the trees looked over at her in disgust.  
  
"I thought we went over this already, missy! Don't pick the apples!" the tree said. "Now, I am going to throw them at you, and we can skip the fight part." He threw some apples at Claire, and she, true to form, chased them. She stood up and saw a very, very familiar face.  
  
"Jack! What are you doing here?" Claire exclaimed happily. "I thought I was going to have to be stuck with him this whole coma!" She pointed at Logan. Logan grumbled.  
  
Then, suddenly, Abbie once again appeared. She cackled (she very much enjoyed all of this cackling), and perched herself on a roof. She liked the flying part too. This wicked witch thing was a lot more fun than she thought it would be. "Jack! What a pleasant surprise!" she cackled.  
  
"Wait a minute. I know. No wait, actually, I don't. Who are you?" Jack said. He looked at Claire quizzically to see if she knew something.  
  
She looked at him and shrugged. "From what I understand, she will be your assistant in a couple of years should I not wake up from this coma. She's in love with you, but you would not sleep with her because, of course, you were still mourning over me." She grinned triumphantly. "So, now she's out to get rid of me so all that won't happen."  
  
"Yes! And I will succeed to! I will prevent you from coming out of your coma," Abbie said. She lost her footing on the roof and slipped a little, but caught herself.  
  
"Isn't that a little," Logan finally spoke up, "mean?"  
  
"Of course it is! I'm the friggin' wicked witch!" Abbie said, very angrily. She swooped down and grabbed Jack's arm. Of course, Claire wasn't just going to let that happen, so she grabbed his other arm. Jack, meanwhile, was trying to inconspicuously lean over to Claire's side without Abbie noticing, because, frankly, Abbie scared him.  
  
"Oh, fine," Abbie began. "But don't think you've seen the last of me!" She let go of Jack's arm (much to the relief of both Jack and Claire) and flew off.  
  
  
  
Will Claire make it to the DA's office? Will Abbie succeed in stealing Jack? Who's going to be the cowardly lion? What the hell was I thinking? All this (except maybe the last one) will be answered in the next chapter! 


	2. The Continuing Story of Oz

Claire and Jack were now walking side-by-side, very close, while poor Mike Logan walked behind, sulking.  
  
"So, this is your subconscious, huh? How did the Wizard of Oz references get in here?" Jack said.  
  
"Well, I'm not really sure, actually. I must have fallen asleep watching it some time or something," Claire said.  
  
Suddenly, they arrived in a forest. It was awfully frightening. Well, not really, but let's just pretend it was frightening. It helps the mood, you know.  
  
"Should we start saying, 'Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my'?" Jack said, smirking, and also completely ruining the mood the author spent a whole sentence making. Damn.  
  
"No," Claire said, simply and short. She reached up and put her hand on his shoulder. "No Singing."  
  
They wandered around the forest, because they all knew there was someone they needed to find. Although they didn't know who exactly they were looking for, everyone knew the plot - except for, it seems, Serena.  
  
"Look, I'm getting bored. All I get to do until the Emerald City is make it snow. I don't even like snow that much. And this crown keeps falling off. Wait a minute, Jack, what are you doing here?" Serena said, plopping down from the sky. She readjusted her crown, and stood with her hands crossed until she saw Logan. "Why, hello."  
  
"Who's the blond?" Mike said, smiling.  
  
"I really have no idea. Another assistant I don't know about?" Jack said.  
  
"Maybe I should go into law," Mike said, looking thoughtfully into the air.  
  
Claire sighed. "So, the point of your being here is?"  
  
"Well, I mean. There's no point in me being here. But you know, I could be very helpful to you. Abbie is very scary. I'm not scary. Unless, of course, you have a fear of blonds. Then I would be very scary."  
  
"I'm not afraid of blonds," Logan said, smiling.  
  
Claire was just about ready to kill them both and just keep walking around with Jack. But, that really just wouldn't fit the storyline. She also really just wanted to wake up, but as Serena would be quick to say, she would be blinked into oblivion if she should try and tap her heels together. She was guessing that this bizarre place was a lot better than being dead, so if she endured this for a while longer she would be able to get home.  
  
So, they all just kept walking along. Logan had offered Serena a chance to walk along with them, and she had graciously accepted, much to the dismay of Claire.  
  
"Um, we already went through the lions and tigers and bears, so where's the lion?" Jack said. He was not too sure about Serena himself, but she wasn't frightening. Maybe not very intelligent, but certainly not dangerous.  
  
And then, at the precise moment we've all been waiting for, Ben Stone came out.  
  
"Claire, this is preposterous! I'm not cowardly!" Stone said.  
  
"Hey, it's my coma," Claire shrugged.  
  
"Wait a minute, I'm not heartless either!" Jack said. Everyone, especially Claire, stifled laughter.  
  
"And I'm not," Mike started, and then paused. "Ok, I won't say anything."  
  
They walked along, fully expecting impending doom at the hands of little red flowers. Unless, of course, Abbie decided to change her plans.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Look, they are fully expecting a field of poppies. We have to catch them by surprise. Any ideas?" Abbie turned to face the man next to her.  
  
"Abbie, you really didn't have to kidnap me," Rey Curtis said.  
  
"Of course I did. Now, tell me what I should do to them."  
  
"Well, you could always just put them to sleep without bothering with the flowers. That would be good. They would be puzzled and it would give them a false sense of security not to see the flower," Rey offered.  
  
"Ah, see now why I had to kidnap you? You have good ideas," Abbie said, looking pleased. Watching them in the crystal ball, she was extremely pleased with herself at her - wait, it was really Rey's - idea. But, since she was the one who thought to kidnap him, she still got to take credit. They soon approached the field where the poppies should be.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"There're no poppies," Jack said, looking around puzzled.  
  
"It doesn't appear that there are any, does it?" Claire said, also looking around.  
  
"That means we should probably just continue on to the emerald apple," Serena said, swirling around her pink, sparkly staff. Then, suddenly, everyone seemed to be drooping down, and falling slowly to sleep. "Wait! This is not happening! There's only supposed to be sleeping when poppies are involved! Now I can't even make it snow!" Serena fell and put her face in her hands. She suddenly looked up and looked incredulously, as if she had suddenly come up with and absolutely brilliant idea. "WAKE UP!" she yelled. There was still silence. So, she decided on plan B. She tapped her staff on their heads, and then they all woke up.  
  
"Okay, everyone, on to the emerald apple! We need to see the DA of One Hogan Place!" Serena said, poking everyone in the backs with her staff.  
  
To be still continued  
  
Sorry about the shortness of this chapter, but I wanted to separate the emerald apple from the rest! I promise the next chapter will be good, with many more cameos from more characters. Plus, the continuing story of Abbie and Rey. 


	3. The Emerald Apple

"So this is it? This is the emerald apple?" Claire said. It looked just like New York, except greener.  
  
"Yeah, what did you expect? Giant green crystals?" Serena said, chuckling a little.  
  
"Um, yeah, kind of," Mike said. Everyone was looking up at the very green representation of New York. Then, after being poked by Serena again, they kept on walking. Soon, they came up to the gate of the city.  
  
"Halt, who goes there and all that stuff?" a voice echoed from the gate.  
  
"Briscoe? Is that you? Can't you just let us in?" Mike said, sighing slightly.  
  
"No, unfortunately, my orders are to give you a hard time but still let you in anyway," Lennie said.  
  
"Oh, come on Lennie, can't you just let us in? We came all this way and I want to be alive again!" Claire said, exasperated.  
  
"I want you to be alive to, but I'm under orders and all," Lennie said, dismayed.  
  
"Look, I'm going to break the friggin' gate down if you don't just let us in!" Claire said, very agitated. "Wait a minute, aren't you in a coma, too?"  
  
"Love to see you hold such concern for me, counselor," Lennie said, sarcastically. "Anyway, I really have no idea. Because, you have no idea... This being your consciousness and all."  
  
"Wait... can't you channel the Lennie in the real world or something? I need to know what's going on in reality," Claire said, frustrated.  
  
"Can you please let us in? I don't really want to stand out here all day," Mike said.  
  
"Look, I'm really tired of you all whining. Blah, blah, horse of a different color, blah blah," Lennie said, opening the gate.  
  
"Finally," Claire groaned. "Now we can get out of here. I really just want to get out of my own head. I've seen it for awhile and frankly I'm quite disturbed."  
  
"I am too Claire," Jack said. They all proceeded to walk into the emerald apple.  
  
"You are supposed to be more supportive, Jack! You want me back, don't you?" Claire walked closer to Jack.  
  
"Of course I do Claire. Besides, anything I say, it's your fault, because this is all in your head," Jack said.  
  
"Please stop reminding me," Claire groaned. They continued to walk through the city, when a cab, changing colors of course, drove up. "Isn't it supposed to be a horse?"  
  
"Oh, please. When is the last time you saw a horse just walking around New York City?" Serena said.  
  
"Well, I haven't ever seen Ben dressed up as a lion before this either," Claire pointed out.  
  
"And you never will again. I still find this ridiculous," Ben grumbled.  
  
"Oh, be quiet. We will be out of here soon enough," Claire said.  
  
"Let's just get into the trippy cab, okay?" Mike said. "This is really weird and I would like to not be a scarecrow anymore."  
  
They all approached One Hogan Place... greener of course. They approached the way larger than life door, knocked on it. No one answered for a few minutes, and Claire got impatient and started kicking open the door.  
  
A little window on the top opened and Jamie Ross appeared. "What do you want? The DA is very busy."  
  
"I want to get out of here. They just came along because it was part of the story. They are supposed to want stuff too..."  
  
"Yeah, he wants a brain," Mike grumbled, "and he wants courage," Ben grumbled, "and supposedly I want a heart," Jack said.  
  
"Who's she?" Jamie scowled at Serena.  
  
"She's supposed to be the good witch, but she keeps following us," Claire said, rolling her eyes.  
  
"Well, I still have to give you a hard time," Jamie started.  
  
"Oh, no, not again... C'mon, this is too much," Claire said, banging on the door.  
  
"Hey! Stop that! Look, I'm just going to let you in, because I didn't want to listen anyways," Jamie said, defeated. She stepped back and the door opened.   
  
"Finally, we got here. Now I can get out of this bizarre place and back to my life," Claire said. They walked through the hallways, looking around everywhere as they went.  
  
Suddenly, they heard a booming voice coming from the room. "What do you want?"  
  
Everyone suddenly recognized the voice. "Oh come on. We don't need the big screen. We don't even need to send the dog," at the mention of him the dog barked, "to pull it down. Come on out, Adam," Jack said, irritated and unimpressed.  
  
Adam pulled the curtain back, grumbled a bit, and stepped forward. "Okay, so you got me. Now why are you here? And make it quick because I just want to get out of here."  
  
"I want to get out of my own head and back to the real world," Claire said. "They all just are coming along because it's part of the plot."  
  
"Yeah, I was just going to tell them they were all hopeless anyways... So this saves time," Adam grumbled. The three men tagging along glared slightly.   
  
"Now, can you send me back or what?" Claire demanded impatiently.  
  
"If you'd wait I would tell you! I would, but I really want you to stick around and get rid of that Carmichael girl," Adam continued. "So, be on with you!" he made a shooing motion with his hand.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Did you see that Rey? Your plan didn't work! You've failed me!" Abbie yelled across a room in the castle.  
  
"What? They made it?" Rey said in disbelief. "I was sure that would work."  
  
"The stupid blond had to go and wake them up! They all got to the Emerald Apple and the DA sent them after us!" Abbie said. "You have to send the flying defense attorneys after them!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Claire, Mike, Jack, Ben, and Serena left the Emerald apple, slightly angry. Okay, maybe a little more than slightly...  
  
"I can't believe that! We come all this way and nothing! And he just sends us off to do his bidding!" Claire ranted as they walked along. They reached the gate  
  
"Can I come along?" Lennie said as they were leaving. "I don't feel like guarding this gate anymore."  
  
"Sure, why not?" Logan said. Lennie got down from the guard place and started walking with them.  
  
"Why does Detective Logan get to invite all these people when I'm the protagonist?" Claire wondered aloud.   
  
"Stop talking and get moving, all of you!" Serena said, waving her staff wildly. They all looked slightly afraid as they quickly picked up the pace on their way to complete the DA's mission.  
  
Wow... this has become so much longer than I'd imagined... oh well... Should be only one chapter, maybe one and an epilogue. Well, I hope you all like this chapter! If anyone has any requests for characters you want thrown in the last chapter, leave it in the review! 


	4. The Breaking of the Fellowship

Author's Note: Yeah, the chapter title is from the Lord of the Rings… This whole chapter just screamed LotR to me, so I had to give credit where credit is due.  
  
~~~  
  
"Rey, this is really horrible. Your plan was supposed work!" Abbie yelled, as Rey cowered away in fear. Rey wished desperately to run away very quickly, but all those defense attorneys frightened him.  
  
"Umm… Abbie, I am sure the defense attorneys will take care of them," Rey said uneasily, hoping Abbie would calm down.  
  
"Oh, I just don't know. I mean, the defense attorneys only go so far, and Jack's probably slept with half of them," Abbie put her head down in her hand and sighed. "Oh well," Abbie whimpered, "send them anyway." She half-heartedly gestured with her hand.  
  
Rey walked down to where the defense attorneys (with wings! Oh yes) were sitting, waiting for orders. Incidentally, all of Jack's exes were there. Probably because this was Claire's dream and all. "Ummm, okay everyone, Abbie said, well, she said, okay, just attack all them if they come okay?" Rey said uneasily, quickly turning to walk away.  
  
"Wait a minute," one of them said. Rey groaned to himself and turned around. "Why are we attacking them again?"  
  
Rey uneasily turned around and looked at Danielle Melnick. "Because… well, I don't really know, OK!" Rey said defensively. "Abbie said so, and since she kidnapped me I sort of have to do what she says."  
  
Many of the attorneys just shrugged their shoulders. Some of them looked at Rey strangely. But, no one protested, so Rey went away rather quickly, repeating to himself under his breath, "I don't like lawyers, I don't like lawyers…"  
  
~~~  
  
Nothing much had changed in the lives of our heroes (that, my friends, comes from way too much Pokemon), as Claire was still ranting, Serena was still prodding, and the rest were still following around confused. Mike had explained where they were going to Lennie, who now at least could somewhat understand Claire's ranting.  
  
"Umm… Claire, it won't be that bad, really. I mean, I know he didn't do what the blond over here said he would, but he might yet if we do this," Jack continued, trying unsuccessfully to calm Claire down.  
  
"Maybe we don't have to melt her," Mike said. "Maybe she would get over you and not want to kidnap you if she, say, met a younger hot tempered Irish man, like, say, me?" Serena harrumphed.   
  
"Somehow I don't think that would work. She seems pretty dead set on Jack, besides, that really didn't happen in the movie. Then again, a lot of this stuff didn't," Claire said, looking specifically at Lennie and Serena.   
  
"I think I should try anyway. You know, not for any personal gain or anything," Mike said, attempting to be serious. He was trying really, really hard.  
  
Claire was fed up. She was simply fed up with everyone talking, and having to do this, and pretty much everything else. She was tired of being in a coma, really, she reminded herself, none of this was real. She sighed, and ran up ahead, "Fine, since all of you figments of my imagination don't seem to know how to get rid of OTHER figments of my imagination, I'll just have to do this myself!"   
  
Jack looked around, not quite sure what to do, but not really wanting to stay with all the rest of the people, ran up next to her. "Claire, you didn't have to run away like that. They look really confused."  
  
"Jack, none of this is real. You aren't really real. Although, if I have to hang around with fake people, it might as well be fake you rather than fake them," Claire said, still pacing rather quickly ahead, although allowing Jack to catch up. "I don't understand any of this anyway. I'm either going to wake up, or I will stay in a coma forever, or I will die. Nothing I can do here can change any of that, but I still feel like I need to work through this all."  
  
"Well, maybe you needed to work this out in your head anyway, and this just happened to come along and give you a chance to work things out, and it's really just your own stubborn head that is keeping you here until you do," Jack said.  
  
Claire stopped walking and flipped around to face him. "Work what out?" she said, very accusingly. She wasn't in the mood for an argument, especially with a fake Jack after many weeks of arguing with the real thing, but she seemed to always step into these traps. Toto barked, in a most random manner.  
  
"What? Oh come on Claire, you know. Us!" Jack said, "We've both been all in a huff about the Scott case, and it's been bringing us apart. You are even considering quitting! Now, do you think I would just let you leave me?"  
  
This was irritating. She shouldn't let this go on, arguing with herself. "I wasn't leaving you, I was leaving the job. How did you know about that anyway?" she said, looking down. She really was doing this, arguing with herself.  
  
"Remember? I'm in your head… you know, therefore I know. But I am sure he - I mean I – is extremely upset right now, and you ought to be done with this all this coma stuff and get back there. Whatever you do about the job, you have to fix the me situation first."  
  
"You know, that doesn't sound like you at all," Claire observed.  
  
"Hey, you can't blame me, I'm in your head. It's not my fault that you can't do a proper characterization of your own boyfriend and boss that you've spent the last two years with," Jack said, in a sort of a huff.  
  
"Well, maybe it wasn't a characterization problem, maybe I just wanted to hear you say it! You know, I could make you say whatever I wanted now, because this is my head, so to hell with characterization!" she said, basically summing up this whole fanfiction. "Anyway, we should probably get going. I would hate for them to get to Abbie's castle before we do… I don't know if I would be more afraid for Abbie or them." She reached for his hand and they continued to walk along the road  
  
~~~  
  
In the meantime, the rest of our heroes seemed to have gotten themselves lost. They forgot the whole, "Follow the purple planked path," business.   
  
"Wait, we can do fine without her! And Jack too, we don't need them stinking lawyers," Mike said.  
  
"Hey," Serena said, slightly hurt. "What about me? I'm a lawyer…"  
  
"Oh, not you of course," Mike smiled, anxious to correct his mistakes. "Those lawyers. Not you."  
  
"Oh, good. Well, I'm supposed to get you all to Abbie's castle. This is a complete change of plot, and I'm very confused. So, I say we should just go. Claire said she was going to take care of this herself, which means she is headed there. So, we must go too."  
  
"But… I don't really want to," Lennie said, not exactly whining but effectively serving the same purpose.  
  
"We have to anyway… It's our only real purpose here," Serena said. "We aren't really effective entities on our own, we are part of a dream."  
  
"I think I'm more important than some character in a dream. I'm my own being!" Mike protested.  
  
"No, you aren't," Ben said, finally speaking up after moping over his ridiculous costume for practically the whole chapter. "The castle is over there. We were never lost. I still hate this costume." So, they wandered off in search of the castle, still not sure what to do but continuing on anyways.  
  
Author's note: I got almost serious there for awhile… but then I returned in true completely bizarre form. The next chapter will be the last one, I solemnly promise. 


	5. That Was Nifty!

Claire and Jack were finally approaching the castle. From the looks of it, they were the first of the group to arrive, as mass chaos wasn't yet spotted. It wasn't as if Claire didn't trust those people, she just felt that they were infinitely weirder in her head than they were in real life.  
  
"You think we made it before them?" Claire said, looking back at Jack who was slightly behind. Jack shrugged his shoulders.  
  
"Well, I suppose we have got to go get some water. And then we have to storm the castle," Claire said, looking around for a source of water.  
  
Jack saw her looking. "Umm… Claire, now if you were going to be melted by water, would you necessarily keep a river around?"  
  
"Absolutely not. But it was worth a check. You know, if I really did have any control over this thing, I could go 'river' and I could get a whole bunch of water here," Claire said. Suddenly, a shot glass of water appeared by her feet.  
  
"It's not exactly what you asked for, but maybe you are progressing a little," Jack said, "Maybe you need to get control before you can go back. He picked up the glass on the floor. "Can you try to get a top? I'm afraid it will spill if there is a fight."  
  
"Top," Claire commanded, as a paper top (like the ones on the cups in hotel rooms) appeared on the shot glass. "It'll do," she shrugged.  
  
They proceeded towards the castle, when they were stopped by a bunch of people who just so happened to be wearing wings.  
  
"Hello Danielle," Jack said, slightly confused. "What are you doing here and why do you have wings?"  
  
"We're the flying defense attorneys."  
  
"Can you fly?" Claire asked. This whole hallucination was getting infinitely weirder.  
  
"I'm not sure. We really haven't tried. Probably not though, I think the wings are just for show," Danielle replied, suddenly wondering if she could fly. That would be pretty fun, she thought to herself.  
  
"Can we go by now? We have to get Abbie so Claire can go back to being alive," Jack said.  
  
"Sure," Danielle said. She knew she wasn't supposed to, but she didn't want to be ordered around by Rey or Abbie anymore.  
  
"Danielle, aren't we supposed to be stopping them from getting in, not just letting them go through," Sally Bell reminded Danielle.  
  
"But I don't really want to. I'm just a little put off by that cop," Danielle said.  
  
"Who?" Claire said, not knowing who else would be helping Abbie.  
  
"What's his name?" Danielle said, pondering for a second. "Oh yeah, it's… Rey."  
  
"Rey? Wait, Rey is with Abbie? That doesn't make any sense, now why would he do that?" Claire said, rather puzzled.  
  
"I never did like him. Can't trust those cops," Jack mumbled.  
  
"So, I guess we better get going, you know, melting your boss," Claire said, hinting at the fact that she wanted to get by.  
  
"Hey, let's get this straight, we do NOT work for her. We are independent contractors," Ruthie Miller stepped forward and said.   
  
"Well of course. Meaning you have no certain attachment, meaning I'm just going to go along now," Claire said, moving to the side and moving past the attorneys. Jack paused a moment, and then followed her.  
  
The defense attorneys considered stopping them, but then decided against it. Shelly Kates yelled out a pathetic, "Hey, come back!" but she wasn't really that enthused.  
  
"Hate to point this out, but… We were supposed to stop them. It's probably not good that we didn't," Sally Bell said, looking towards the two headed to the castle. "Abbie won't be happy." The defense attorneys stood looking at one another, realizing simultaneously that they were probably out of a job.  
  
~~~  
  
Serena slumped over a bit, sighing. "I have pretty pink high heels on and all this walking is damaging my feet," she whined.  
  
"I'm perfectly happy to stop myself," Ben Stone mumbled, and as usual, was ignored. He just grumbled and kept on walking.  
  
"We are almost there, I think," Lennie said. "That is the castle right?" He still felt a little bit out of the loop.  
  
"Yeah, that's the castle… I think," Serena said, squinting. It still seemed far away to her.  
  
They walked around for a bit longer, but they were still hesitant. They didn't pay attention to where they were going, so when they came to the still in place barricade of defense attorneys.  
  
"Ahh! Lawyers!" Mike screamed.   
  
"Ben, that is an absolutely ridiculous outfit," Shambala Green said. She had to refrain from laughing, but it was increasingly difficult.  
  
Ben sighed. "I know, I know. Hey, why are you laughing at me when you have wings on?" He retaliated.  
  
"Can we go past you now?" Lennie sighed.   
  
"Yeah, sure," Danielle said. She figured as long as she was basically fired she should just give up on stopping people.  
  
"Lennie, why was getting past the people we are supposed to be against easier than getting by you?" Mike inquired, slightly angry. Lennie shrugged.  
  
~~~  
  
Abbie paced around the room, distressed at the poor performance of her top guards. Rey was very afraid of her at the moment, so he tried to have her not hear him when he said, "That's what you get for hiring lawyers."  
  
Unfortunately, he didn't do a very good job of it.  
  
Abbie glared at Rey. "Not all lawyers are useless!" she yelled. "I take offense to that!"  
  
"Sorry!" Rey cowered. "I didn't mean anything by it!"   
  
"Oh, all my plans are out the window!" Abbie cried out in frustration. "What should we do, Rey?"  
  
"We could kidnap them," Rey said, thinking quickly.  
  
"Perfect idea! Go get them now," Abbie said, happiness suddenly returning to her.  
  
"Oh great," he moaned, walking out the door and outside. He saw Jack and Claire walking towards the castle, and reluctantly walked up to them. "I've got to kidnap you."  
  
"Rey, they told me you were here… But you can't kidnap us. Because I really have to go kill Abbie now," Claire said, trying to get past Rey and not succeeding.   
  
"I'm really sorry about this Claire, but you know I have to do this," Rey said, taking them both by the hand and dragging them, kicking and screaming, down into the dungeon of the castle.  
  
"Ugh! I hate this plot device, stupid subconscious!" Claire yelled at the ceiling.  
  
"Haha, you cannot control me! I've got you!" Abbie said, dancing around. Rey sat by, head in his hands, sighing audibly.  
  
"Claire, the water," Jack whispered in her ear. Abbie did not notice because she was dancing.  
  
"I can't project that far, we will have to wait until she comes closer," Claire whispered back. "This isn't enough anyway."  
  
"Wait, Claire, I have an idea."  
  
~~~  
  
"Umm… so I guess we are here now," Mike said as they moved past the defense attorneys and continued towards the castle.  
  
"Oh… but where are they?" Serena said, looking around the area and seeing nothing.  
  
"Whoops, guess we took the wrong turn. Better head back now," Ben said, turning around and attempting to walk away, but was stopped by Serena.  
  
"Uh uh, we're going in there and finding them," Serena said, dragging him by the mane.  
  
They all walked into the castle, but unfortunately they did not have the handy "guide" that Jack and Claire had going into the castle, so they got themselves hopelessly lost. Of course, they didn't know where they were going, so it was not exactly possible to get lost. But for all intensive purposes, they were wandering around in circles with no end in sight.  
  
~~~  
  
"Okay, are you ready?" Jack said, as Abbie seemed to be coming closer to the cage.  
  
Claire nodded, and Abbie came up to the cage. "See, you'll never get out of this coma now!" she taunted, laughing wildly. Claire pulled the amazingly intact cup of water from behind her back and threw it at the hand that Abbie was holding the keys with. The hand promptly disappeared, and the keys fell to the floor. Jack knelt down and reached through the bars of the cage and picked up the keys. It seemed as if Claire's subconscious was finally on her side, but…  
  
"Okay, so what are we supposed to do now?" Jack said, examining the keys.  
  
"Well, we unlock the door…" Claire started to say.  
  
"But the lock is on the outside, and we are on the inside," Jack said, trying to figure out a way to reach around without Abbie seeing.  
  
Meanwhile, Abbie was nursing her hand, which was very slowly recorporializing itself. "Rey, look what they did!" she said, begging for sympathy.  
  
Rey got a frightened look in his eyes. "Oh yes, horrible, horrible," he said, unconvincingly.  
  
Now that they were occupied, Jack and Claire took the opportunity to make their escape. Jack reached out and attempted to reach far enough to get to the lock, but was not having much success.   
  
"You have to hurry up, they eventually will notice!" Claire whispered urgently. As if on cue, Jack succeeded and the door unlocked. Claire fought the urge to walk out and yell, "I control you all! Go me!"  
  
They walked out of the cage, and Abbie finally noticed something had gone awry. She turned around and gasped (sans colon). A bucket of water appeared at Claire's feet, Abbie and Claire both looked at it, slightly confused.  
  
To add to the confusion, Serena, Lennie, Mike, and Ben burst into the room, magically unlost. They made a grand entrance, because they expected to have walked into a big battle. Unfortunately, everyone was just standing around staring.  
  
"Well, is someone going to start with the melting already?" Lennie said, impatiently.  
  
"Oh, I don't know… It doesn't seem right. I can't kill her, she didn't even consciously try to kill me, I mean, keeping me from waking up is not really killing, is it?" Claire said, staring at the bucket. "Besides, you know how I feel about this sort of thing…"  
  
"Oh, please don't tell me this is some sort of big metaphor," Jack groaned. "Just melt her, please!"  
  
"Jack, you said yourself I had some things to work out! Maybe this is just part of it. Maybe I will get back by not melting her!" Claire said accusingly.  
  
"She locked us in a cage!" Jack said, getting quite irritated.  
  
Suddenly, Adam came in. Not through a door of course, for he was the DA of One Hogan Place. No, it was more like teleportation. "That was nifty!" he said.  
  
"Adam! What are you doing here?" Claire said, hoping to stall her task.  
  
"Giving you an escape," he said, and turned towards Abbie. "Oh, Abbie. You are really giving me a headache. But I can't bear to see you melt. I'm afraid you can't stay here, but I think I have the perfect place for you." Adam waved his hand and Abbie disappeared. Jack grumbled. "Don't worry, Jack. Her punishment will be more than adequate."  
  
"So, are you going to send me back now?" Claire said, slightly impatiently. Now that this matter was taken care of, she wanted to take care of this whole coma thing.  
  
"No." Adam once again teleported away.  
  
Claire sighed exasperatedly. Everyone else continued to stand around confused until Claire looked over to Serena, glaring expectantly. "Oh!" said Serena. "What's the line?" she pondered. "Umm… what did we learn?" She put on another fake smile.  
  
"Ummm… That being in a coma is really no fun, watch out for drunk drivers, keep Jack away from bars," Claire listed out, as Serena tapped her foot and rolled her eyes. "Oh, you mean important lessons… How about, don't let Jack's WRONG opinions get in the way of our relationship because I love him even though he is WRONG!" Jack harrumphed.   
  
"Good enough. Click your heels together three times and all that jazz."  
  
"There's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like home," Claire clicked her heels together three times simultaneously.  
  
~~~  
  
Abbie woke up, she assumed she had been put in some kind of prison. She walked up to the doors of the jail and looked out at the silhouetted figure of her guard.  
  
"Abigail, did I ever tell you about the time my friend back in Georgia found himself in a particularly sticky situation? Well, you see…" Arthur Branch began to speak.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" 


	6. Epilogue: Back to Reality

Claire's eyes fluttered open. She saw Jack standing by her bed and a couple of doctors huddled around. "Oh my god, I've gone completely mad," were the first words she said.  
  
Jack, who up until a second ago had been falling apart, couldn't help but laugh. "No, really, I had this dream…" She realized how silly it would sound, so she lowered her voice and said, "I'll tell you later."  
  
~~~  
  
Two years had passed since the night of the car crash. Claire had pretty much forgotten about the hallucination she'd had during the coma, until she'd seen the ADA who had come up from narcotics.  
  
"Jack, you remember that dream I told you I had after the car crash?" Claire said, sitting down next to Jack on the couch after work.  
  
"The one with the Wizard of Oz?" Jack said, smiling.  
  
"Well, there's that new ADA from narcotics, and I'd swear she was the Wicked Witch of the West," Claire said.  
  
"Abbie, right?" Jack said, confused.  
  
"Yeah, that's her name! And that was her name in the dream!" Claire said. "What if I really wasn't supposed to wake from that coma?"  
  
"Claire, I highly doubt a dream did decide your fate. Besides, I like it this way better."  
  
"I think I do to," Claire said, still not exactly sure about that dream. She wasn't sure she ever would know exactly the meaning of it.  
  
She just hoped Glinda wouldn't show up at work in another three years or something.  
  
~~~  
  
A/N: Well, here it is, the ending of the story. Thank you to all the readers and reviewers who have read the story, and I hope it's been enjoyable to all. I enjoyed writing it immensely and it might even have turned out well. 


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